Real
by Lonewritersclub
Summary: It was buried deep inside of him. Weakening him. Then she saw. It was lies he thought were true. She couldn't let that be. And made him face the truth. Finally making him real.


I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes  
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

_Linkin Park - Numb_

They were in Carlisle's study. Edward was lying on the operating table that was turned into a normal looking bed with white, thick bedding. Bella was just by his right side. She gently rubbed his hand, but he only relaxed a bit. He was too anxious and stressed over everything even though he didn't want it to show. He didn't want to show weakness to Bella, when so much of it was already visible.

"It will go just fine. I promise you. He'll only take a tiny sample of your bone marrow fluid and it'll be over. Carlisle is a good doctor, you know that", Bella tried to convince him with the soothing words. "But why would he do that? I don't understand", he whined furrowing his eyebrows and slightly shaking his head.

"We already told you as best as we could. Just believe us, okay? He needs it so he could find out what's wrong with you", Bella explained with her warm topaz eyes doing so too. She didn't want him to suffer. She and he, both knew it would hurt a lot more it seemed. And he wasn't really ready for any more pain right now.

Carlisle walked in with a tray full of medical equipment. And that's when he started to really freak out. Bella and Carlisle both noticed it very clearly.

"What if we would sedate you? Would that be alright? You wouldn't feel a thing" Bella proposed. Edward hated needles with his whole life and looked terrified at the ones on the tray. "I don't know...", he muttered afraid and there was pure fear in his huge emerald green eyes. He shut his eyes tightly, because he couldn't get his eyes off from the needles that Carlisle put down right in front of him.

"Fine", he almost shouted then when Carlisle started putting sterile plastic gloves on his hands that caused loud noises. "It's going to be just fine, Edward", Carlisle said not really paying attention to his son. He was too worried about Edward's health to really care for his fear of some little needles. He would need to do this exam so he could somehow move on with his diagnosis for Edward.

And Carlisle would let Bella sedate Edward without him really seeing it coming. Maybe then he wouldn't freak out so much about the needle. He wouldn't have time to.

Bella took the needle from Carlisle, when Edward wasn't looking. "Alright Edward. Just relax now, baby", Bella told him as she huddled herself close to Edward and put her face against his neck. The sweet blood that sang in him tempted Bella's blood lust terribly, especially when she was this close to his skin, but she was tough. She would be strong for her husband.  
And at the same time, she had placed the needle against Edward's vein in his forearm. And she pressed the fluid in him.

Edward yelped quietly, but soon his eyelids started to drop and his senses become numb. Before he could blackout she pecked his lips with all the passion she could muster. Almost like a good night's kiss.

The operation was done quite fast. He didn't have any complications, because of Carlisle's steady hands and the precise medical expertise he had, that also made it's acknowledgement. But they had time left before the sedate would start to fade and the much talked about another operation was brought up again.

As Edward was still a vampire just two months ago, but turned into a human again for a reason they didn't know yet, he still felt that the human food he now needed, tasted like "dirt". Edward had said that he thought he couldn't process the food although he was to be proved wrong. A feeding-tube came into Carlisle's mind. They had told about that to him, when things had turned critical for Edward's life.

At 79 lb and 610 ft, he was at the BMI of 10,4. It meant that for a normal weight he would need to gain 61 lb. Edward wasn't interested in it. He asked that maybe they could turn him back to a vampire, so there wouldn't be the need for him to stuff his face with food. He obviously didn't like food. Human food to be precise. But they couldn't turn him, when his heart was so weak. And the only way to get his heart stronger was unfortunately feeding his body.

They just wanted to help him... so they did the other operation as well without asking Edward's permission. For the sake of his life. He would just have to understand that.

He was starting to regain his consciousness by the time it was evening. Bella was still standing next to him, but decided to go spoon him. She wrapped her arms around his tiny form carefully and placed a kiss on his messy bronze hair. He was mumbling something that even she couldn't make out with her excellent vampire hearing.

But she heard that he opened his eyes, when flickering rapidly first. "Oh", he breathed as he noted Bella's arms around him. He turned cautiously around so he could face her. "Hello", Bella saluted him with a smile. "Hi", he greeted with a small voice and smiled as well. But then noticed something strange. Something on his cheek that he felt, when he smiled. Something taped against his cheek...

Bella had been afraid of how would be Edward's realization. And now it would happen. Edward face was also covered with fear. He slowly let his trembling fingers touch the foreign and unidentified object. And the fear was right. It dawned to Edward what they had done to him. And also that he felt himself to full for the first time in years.

"No", his shaken voice muttered. "No", he repeated while coming up to a sitting position. Bella followed him. "Edward... It's just for your own good", she started weakly. "Oh God, I feel disgusting", he said looking nauseous and put his hand on his hollow stomach.

"No. Why would you do this? This isn't right. You should have said something. Ah, I-I I can't keep it down. I feel sick", he said and jumped off the bed and began to make his way to the bathroom. "I look like I had some kind of sickness", he huffed. But Bella stopped him taking a hold of his hand. He turned around with an annoyed look. He was in a hurry to vomit it all out of his system. He felt himself horrendous and appalling.

"Edward, you can't. Not with that", she said with a scared voice. What would be his reaction now?

Edward's face twisted into a misbelieving and pained look. "What?" he almost shouted. He came a little closer to Bella and touched the tube and tried to pull it out, but it hurt too much. "Ahh! Bella, I need it out. No, right now. I need it out. Please Bella", he pleaded with a strained voice and tried hurriedly to take the tube out. Bella took his both hands into her owns so he couldn't hurt himself more. "No. Edward, no. We think is the best if you keep it. Long enough so your heart gets stronger and we can turn you back again", Bella told him.

"Bella, no! No! You can't make me do this. I don't want this. Ah, I feel awful..." he said and almost started to sob. But he really didn't want to seem so feeble to her, so he refused to let the salty, deceived tears roll on his cheeks. Bella leaded him back to the bed without him really noticing it. She put him sitting on the bed's edge like she was. He lifted his legs to his chest and put his arms around them. He felt terribly defeated.

His eyes stared to the floor widely. He tried to keep the tears away like that. But Bella saw his green eyes slowly glazing with water. "Edward, why is this such a big deal to you? We didn't betray you or anything. We have already talked about this and how this has to be done if there's no other option. Jasper has been getting odd vibes from you too, whenever you've been served a meal. There have been something wrong with it all. Can you tell me something about that?" Bella asked with an uncertain voice.

"I don't know", Edward answered. He sounded expressionless.

"Be honest with me Edward. Do you... Do you have an eating disorder? Would that be possible?" Bella asked. Edward stayed still for quite a long time, but then only shrugged. "What? Edward. That's not an answer. You need to tell me if there's a matter. How are you? Really?" Bella questioned him squinting her topaz eyes.

"I'm fine", Edward told her with the same plain voice. "No. Edward, you can't be. I can see that you're not", Bella disbelieved. "No. No. I'm fine Bella. I'm fine. I just fine", Edward said repeatedly and stood up abruptly from the bed and walked away from it and then turned around. His eyes were on freezing fire. He started pulling his hair, but fortunately didn't rip it off.

"Edward, come back to the bed. You're very frail right now." Bella was worried and stood up as well. She would force him back if she had to.

"Frail?" Edward echoed her queasy. "Frail? No... No... No! No! No! No! No!" he shouted angrily and fisted his hair harder. Now the tears were stronger than him even though he said the opposite. Bella gulped nervously at the sight.

"I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm always fine! I-I I have to be!" Edward screamed and the tears rolled fastly down his sunken cheeks. "What are you saying?" Bella asked concerned. Bella lifted her hand almost to touch him, but she was unsure. She was afraid she might break him. Not physically, but emotionally. She feared that he was going insane. But really he was just trying to cover up the truth that was becoming more and more obvious to people. How what he was saying were only lies about how he was.

"I have to be", he repeated again and sunk down onto the floor. Bella went after him and squat down in front of him. "Edward", Bella called afraid he might shut down or something. She carefully and gently touched his cheek. Edward shrunk away from her. Suddenly there was no tears on his face. He had quickly wiped them away frustrated by himself. Self-loathing filled him.

"I'm fine. Because I have to be. So I will be fine. Bella. You don't want a broken Edward. I know that. I've known all along. You want the fine-looking Edward. Someone you can actually present to people. You will leave me if I'm not fine. Or no, you're too polite to do that. But I know you would want to. I'd just make you suffer. I couldn't live with myself it that would happen", Edward shook his head quickly and felt sick just from the thought.

"It's me who is supposed to be looking after you, because you deserve that. I don't. I'm a monster. I shouldn't even exist. But still I'm somehow hanging around. God should punish me. Take my life. But I see that this is much worse. I must punish myself for the mistakes I've made. And there are so many... I need to do it still. But I'm weaker. I prefer death to this. I'm not sure how long it will take and then I'll probably face hell... I love you so much Bella. I can't let you leave me, because if I'm left alone, I'll meet myself. And that one, oh, no one wants to meet him", he said. Then he stood up as to prove his point in being alright even though he was shaking on his weak legs. He walked to the opposite side to Bella behind the operation bed.

Bella has always suspected Edward had something buried in him deeply. Something he doesn't tell anyone. She thinks this is it. This is why he broods so much. Stays hauntingly unreachable.

"Edward, you're no monster. You're everything, but that. You have nothing to punish yourself for. Edward, listen to me. I want to meet you. I want to see who you really are. I don't want you to cover up yourself like this. So is this true? Is this what you have been hiding? You're hurt. Don't you know that you deserve to be taken care of too? Because you do. You're the love of my life. The one I care for the most. Do you understand?" Bella lifted herself up from the floor too and met Edward's green gaze. It was filled with panic. Was this an actual nervous breakdown? She guessed so. Should she call for Carlisle? Where were they anyway? Maybe they wanted to leave them alone and have some peace.

She wanted to go to him and embrace him. Protect him from the lies that he thinks are the reality. But she couldn't. She didn't want to do something that he didn't want her to.

But she wanted to show him that his painful reality is not fair and he should see that there's a way out. The peaceful truth. It was so much better than the lie. But it would be dreadful to find out that for decades he had to suffer to a great extent, just because he cannot see himself right. Or others for that matter even with the ability to hear thoughts. A bruised soul would see that the only one hurting him was really himself. Isn't that worse than masochism?

"It's a painting. I'm like an old painting. And the conditions for it it hasn't been that great and for too long it has been like that. Now it's just starting to crumble apart. Flakes of perfection are just a cover for the nothingness that hides within. And you see that there's nothing left as it shatters. And that's the truth that you don't want to see. Because it isn't nice. You don't deserve it", he said in a threatening way, but really he was the one who was getting attacked. By himself.

"Please Bella. Don't leave me. Or maybe you should, because I'm not sure if I can be the man I was before. I don't know if I can be anything at all", he admitted. "You deserve so much better", he whimpered. Bella saw him trembling and collapsing onto the floor. He breathed shallow and heaved the air he didn't want in his lungs anymore.

She couldn't stop herself from going to him after that. Wracking sobs escaped him and stinging tears clouded his eyes again, when he didn't let them to fall. He didn't want Bella to see how tiny he really was even with a body you would suspect to be the only miniscule thing about him. And it is the truth, because his emotions were far bigger than he himself was and could handle.

Bella cradled him to her lap and put her arms around his frame tightly. He struggled effortlessly a while, but the adjusted against her. Bella's hands lightly rubbed his arms so she wouldn't hurt him, but enough that he would understand her attempts to comfort him. She lowered her head against his head. The soft bronze locks tingled her face that was full of concern and sadness. She let her actions speak for themselves.

"Let me make you whole", Bella whispered. "You would waste your time", he said back coldly. The sobs began to quiet down. "That is impossible. Listen to me carefully and trust me. You _are _my life. Just because I love you. I will do anything for you unconditionally. And I will love you unconditionally. I will help you. You don't have to do anything, but let me. And if it won't go as we hoped... I will love you no matter what. Please, Edward. I wouldn't be here if that wasn't true. Please, believe me", she pleaded and turned so she could see his face. He looked hopelessly into her topaz coloured eyes and tried to find the answer he didn't have a question. But she had just said it. She loved him. That's all. He wouldn't need anything else.

"You won't leave even if this is who I am? Are you sure? I won't judge you Bella. I will understand if you leave. I would too. I wish I could, but I seems to be impossible", he asked with uncertainty. Bella hugged him closer and he watched her profile in disbelief that she was still there with him. "I love _you._ Who you are. You just need to open up to me so I can love you as you deserve to be. I want to love every part of you. And I'll if you let me", she said to him softly and looked straight into the green orbs. They were bloodshot still.

"I think you have a misunderstanding in what you're thinking of me", Edward uttered still not believing what he was hearing. "No, you can't read my mind. And it's you anyway who has a misconception on who you are. Let me tell you darling, you're perfect. You can depend on me", Bella retrieved.

Suddenly he laughed a bit. It was off, but still a laugh that made Bella so much happier and hopeful. "You're just saying that, because you love me", Edward said and smiled weakly. He nuzzled his head to the crook of Bella's neck and smelled her sweet scent. Bella did the same to Edward and giggled. They just stayed like that for a moment or a few.

"I love you", Edward said after a minute.

"I know that. And now you should know that I feel the same for you", Bella replied. "And I'm grateful for that", he said with a hint of smile playing on his lips as he started to feel more at ease. He thought that Bella was the perfection and someone who was perfect couldn't be stupid about who she loved. And what she said about him seemed to be the truth after all then. Had he been so wrong about himself then? He couldn't quite understand that yet. He just couldn't. He had lived in his lies for so long... But Bella would definitely make him figure it all out. There was no doubt about that.

Bella shook her head in her mind how unnecessary obliged her husband was for her loving him. It should be obvious. But it was good that it was appreciated. How she was needed made her feel much better and more useful. If she only new how important she really was to Edward... But they were everything to each other and it was all they needed to know. The knowing that there was someone for them. Someone they could love and loved them back.

"God, I missed you", Edward breathed to Bella's neck. "If you were lost, I promise I'll find you. Just stay there for a while and let me kiss you", Bella said and they detached from each other only slightly so they could kiss. And it was more than needed. Everything was really fine in that moment. And more than fine.

* * *

Hi...


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